January 13th, 2009

t-shirt problem

John Benson
Raise your hands in the air if you love t-shirts.

Now stomp your left foot if you've ever rummaged through rack after rack of dusty second hands in a thrift-store-salvation-army-friends-closet to find that perfectly ironic, exquisitely vintage, super soft, one-of-a-kind tee.

Jiggle your arms if you've purchased something from Threadless or Busted Tees.

While jiggling your arms and stomping that foot, tap your belly rhythmically if you lust after every color of 50/50 American Apparel t-shirt (dirty sexy filthy mmmm). Keep doing this, don't stop. This dance is just getting started.

Stick out your tongue and blow a raspberry if you have shirts that are ten plus years old and the armpits have fallen out, the collar has disintegrated, and your nipples are visible in even the darkest out-to-dinner settings. Does simply owning this t-shirt piss off your girlfriend (ex-girlfriend, haha)? – and you are wearing it out anyway!

Bob your head.

Bob your head if you can think of at least three people that refer to you as their friend with too many f*cking t-shirts. Yes! And just between you and me, this can be our secret, because you know we’re dancing together and all – wink at me twice if you bought a shirt online today – maybe it was during your lunch break ;).

Drop it to the floor if you screen print your own shirts. Buy band shirts. Sell band shirts. Kiss the fans of the bands that sell the shirts. Boutique. unique. limited run. small press. Internet. t-shirts.

Read t-shirt blogs?! Everybody scream!!! Haha.

Point to yourself if you ever said out loud “I wish that was on a shirt.” Now point to your friend if you then Googled it and there it was!

Now stop jiggling those arms, breath in. Slow that foot, relax your mouth, breath out. No longer tapping your belly, break down the head bob, your smallest movements. your sweaty t-shirt – though it’s not the weather for it. Feels good.

I really don’t think I have a t-shirt problem.


The soundtrack for this post is Jerk It by Thunderheist
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